


ice & fire (always on my mind)

by fromateez (myflower)



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: 6+1, Angst, Canon Compliant, Feelings, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pining, There's a lot of crying, love being emo, no beta we die like men, san is adorable, wooyoung has trouble with emotions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-22
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2019-11-03 20:14:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17884451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myflower/pseuds/fromateez
Summary: six times they avoided feelings, and one time they did not.





	1. +1, +2, +3

**Author's Note:**

> the title is taken from the title of onf's ice & fire, which is a fantastic song, by the way.  
> i highly recommend you listen to the song, and possibly read the lyrics.  
> they're really fitting for this story.
> 
> i really like canon compliant fics and emotions are really...something, man.
> 
> please enjoy!

**+1**

 

Wooyoung silently ran through his dance routine another time.

The music blasted in his earbuds, the only sound in the room being the faint beat of the music and the squeaks of his shoes on the hardwood.

He was the only one in the practice room; the other members had gone home earlier. Hongjoong had told him to not stay in too late when they all left, and San only nodded in agreement to the leader’s statement, but with that small affirmation Wooyoung tried to take it to heart. He wouldn’t stay  _ extremely _ late, but he’d still stay late.

Seonghwa and Jongho had left at 11, calling it early from dance practice so that they could go and work to prepare a duet they’d been producing together back at the dorm. Yeosang  then left after a bit, Yunho following him not even five minutes after, and then Hongjoong, Mingi, and San left just past 12, skeptical to leave the 19 year-old behind as they knew how he could be when he was practicing alone. But they did it regardless; Wooyoung tried to pay no mind to how his heart panged a bit watching San exit the door behind the rest.

As he thought about it more, Hongjoong was probably still in a composition room. Seonghwa was too, if he was being honest, practicing lines. The rest had probably gone back to the dorm to rest; it wasn’t unbelievable. They’d had a long day. 

Wooyoung sat himself against the cold mirror, feeling the sweat on his back and steam on the mirror soak through his shirt consecutively. He threw his head back in frustration, realizing after his rollercoaster of emotions he’d again messed up a move that he’d only perfected an hour earlier. It was frustrating.

His earbuds still pounded the music, beat heavy and hard, and though it seemed sort of uncomfortable at this unspeakable hour, it was nice. Wooyoung felt somewhat satisfied, despite his errors. He felt like he was alive.

Until he remembered another problem at hand, and that problem wasn’t a problem as much as a situation where he did not know what he was doing. It all had to do with San. Of course it did.

He barely heard the door to the practice room open amidst his heavy breathing. He shot up immediately, prepared to greet staff entering the room, but was instead met with the sight of Hongjoong. He felt a tensing-relaxing sensation, as it being the group’s leader, he felt like he was disappointing him for still being here, but it was better than seeing staff. He tore the earbuds from his ears.

“You okay in here, Woo?”

“Yeah, I’m okay, hyung,” Wooyoung deadpanned, and Hongjoong tilted his head to the side.

“I just wanted to check up on you and make sure you weren’t working too hard. We should probably get back to the dorm now,” Hongjoong said.

Wooyoung only nodded. It was probably for the better; when Hongjoong called a night, that’s when he knew he should too. Hongjoong exited the room to allow Wooyoung the time he needed to get ready to leave.

He started to pack up his duffle bag and slip on more comfortable shoes than his sneakers that he always danced in (yeah, they were comfortable, but not as nice as his slip-ons. Those were like heaven to Wooyoung. Especially after having been in his dance shoes the whole day).

He met with Hongjoong in the hallway outside of the practice room, and they walked out together. When he asked where Seonghwa was, Hongjoong said that he’d already gone back to the dorm with Jongho. 

“Damn, I was almost right,” Wooyoung laughed, and Hongjoong side-eyed him. Wooyoung could feel the air change in an instant.

“Wooyoung, are you really okay, like, in general? Is there something bothering you?”

Wooyoung held back on biting his lip. “Why wouldn’t I be okay, hyung?

“You seem like you’re being more distant lately, I need to make sure that nothing’s happening...San’s seemed pretty attentive,” Hongjoong said, “He asked me to ask you.”

“What do you mean by that?” Wooyoung asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

“I mean, Wooyoung, that it’s not only me that’s noticing that you’re avoiding him. He notices, too. So do Seonghwa and Yunho. If the others have, they haven’t mentioned it.”

“Well, if you’re asking if I have a problem with him, I don’t,” Wooyoung replied quickly. Hongjoong didn’t buy it. “I swear.”

“Are you sure?”

“Certain, hyung.”

They were now right outside the dorm’s front door.

“I just want you to know, if you need anything, we all are always willing to talk to you. We don’t want you to be feeling awkward around any of us.”

“I know, hyung.”

They entered the dorm, met with Jongho and Seonghwa sitting together at their coffee table playing a card game. San was nowhere in sight.

“Alright, it’s a night. Let’s get to bed.” Hongjoong waved his arms upward, signaling the two seated on the ground to get up and out.

Jongho pouted and started to whine about how they were in the middle of their game, but the second Seonghwa yawned, he shut right up and said that he’d get to bed as soon as possible. He even offered to help Seonghwa to his room, but the older only waved him off, commenting about how he’s not as old as the maknae makes him out to be. Jongho and Wooyoung laughed together, and wished each other a goodnight.

“Goodnight, Wooyoungie, rest up well. You worked hard today.” Hongjoong said, entering his room with Seonghwa.

“You too, hyung. Thanks.”

Before Wooyoung went to his room, he peaked his head into Yunho and San’s room. He couldn’t help but sneak in just past the door for a minute, just to take a look at San, from a short distance. The older was already sound asleep. Wooyoung couldn’t help but stare at him; the way his hair fell along his face, his lips parted ever so slightly, the only sound being his breathing. San was seriously so beautiful, he took Wooyoung’s breath away.

After Wooyoung started to feel dizzy from fatigue, he finally exited their room to enter his own with Yeosang. He sat himself on his bed, slipped his shoes off, and took his bag off his shoulder, placing it next to his bed on the floor. He sighed, a bit frustrated that he’d been caught acting strange.

He looked across the dark room to see two bodies on Yeosang’s bed, and immediately felt like he was seeing something he shouldn’t have been seeing. He rolled his eyes, changing his clothes quickly before leaving the room to allow the two to cuddle in peace. He checked Mingi and Jongho’s room to find that the two of them were in their own beds, and realized he hadn’t even noticed that Yunho wasn’t in his and San’s room. Damn.

Wooyoung sighed, making his way into the room he’d just been in moments earlier. He flopped down onto Yunho’s mattress, staring across the room at San.

For a moment, he saw San open his eyes. He immediately turned away to get under the covers as quickly as possible.

He was all too aware, the hair on the back of his neck on end. He heard San yawn, and waited for him to say something, anything. If he even would.

“Wooyoung,” he heard, a whisper too quiet that a normal person wouldn’t be able to hear unless they were  _ seriously  _ listening.

Wooyoung’s breath caught in his throat.

“Stop practicing so late. You need sleep.” San croaked, his voice cracking the slightest bit.

Wooyoung only exhaled, and made himself more comfortable in the bed. Only when he was sure that San was asleep did he look over once more; only to fall asleep with the older crowding his thoughts.

That night, he dreamed of San. He dreamed of being loved by him, and he dreamed of his smile.

Wooyoung had never woken up in a colder sweat.

  
  
  


**+2**

 

Wooyoung was  _ not  _ avoiding San. Not at all. If he were avoiding San, he wouldn’t talk to him at all. If he were avoiding San, he’d always look away immediately if they made eye contact in the mirror. If he were avoiding San, he’d try to ignore him whenever he talked to him.

Okay, maybe Wooyoung was avoiding San. But it was for a good cause. At least, it was in Wooyoung’s mind.

He was practicing alone in their vocal room at around 9 at night. He had his earbuds in, plugged into his phone, playing Treasure on repeat. The song kept replaying a certain part because Wooyoung was actively repeating it; he stared at the phone and kept dragging the bar back to 1 minute and 26 seconds to listen over the part again and again.

When he felt an earbud being pulled out of one of his ears and plugged into another’s, he honestly didn’t expect to see Seonghwa next to him. It was typical of Jongho to join him in the practice room, maybe even Yunho or Mingi sometimes. But never their oldest member.

When Seonghwa heard what the part was, he couldn’t help but smirk, and immediately looked up at Wooyoung. The younger’s eyes were still trained on his phone, but this time, he didn’t drag the bar back to repeat it.

Seonghwa tilted his head.

“Are you okay?”

Wooyoung looked up, making eye contact with Seonghwa, and then stared back at his phone once more. The song was at his part now; he mumbled it under his breath before looking back to respond.

“I’m fine, hyung, just practicing.”

“You know that song by heart, Woo, why are you practicing it more right now?”

“It’s always good to practice even if you know it by heart,” Wooyoung responded. He hit the pause button.

Seonghwa nodded a bit, “I get it. But you really didn’t answer my question.”

“I said I was fine?” Wooyoung whispered, looking anywhere but Seonghwa’s eyes.

Seonghwa let a smirk appear on his lips and he looked toward Wooyoung until they made eye contact. “You know we’re always here for you, right? Even San. We all know that you’ve not necessarily seemed on the best terms with him lately. He’s trying to understand why because he doesn’t know.” Seonghwa sighed, “It’s really seemed to stress him out lately. He doesn’t know what happened. Please don’t forget that communication is key, Wooyoungie. We just want everyone to be happy.”

“Yeah,” Wooyoung said, “It’s just...so...hard, recently. I’m not good at talking about my feelings.”

“I won’t force you. None of us will. If you ever need to, we’ll try our best to be understanding.” Seonghwa said. A short silence fell between them after Wooyoung nodded an affirmation.

“Hyung, I have a question.” Wooyoung said. He felt his cheeks begin to burn, but really tried to avoid it.

“What is it?” Seonghwa asked.

“It’s...for a friend, but since I’m young, I don’t know what the feeling’s like either, so I can’t tell them an answer.”

Seonghwa tilted his head in curiosity, urging the younger to continue.

Wooyoung took a light breath before letting out a quiet, “What’s it like to be in love?”

The older cracked a smile, a slight laugh coming out underneath his breath. “Are you sure this isn’t for you?”

“It’s not!” Wooyoung returned defensively, and Seonghwa couldn’t help but laugh.

He looked up toward the ceiling of the practice room, shaking his head a bit, and then looked back at Wooyoung.

“Being in love is like...a poisonous flower, I suppose? Even more so if the other person is not in love with you. But it can be rewarding; the poison could cease to exist. It can be removed from the flower. But there’s always the chance it can return. Being in love...the flower is the beautiful thing, right, but the poison is the baggage and pain that can come with it. Whoever your friend is in love with, make sure that they know the risks, and that they’re always communicating with who their partner is.”

Wooyoung laughed to himself. How cliché of Seonghwa, but as cliché as it was, it made sense. “Thanks, hyung.”

“No problem, Woo. Is there anything else you need to ask me? For your friend?”

Wooyoung sighed. “How do you know when you’re in love?”

“You tend to just know, even if you don’t know immediately. It’s something about the way a person you’re in love with makes you feel.” Seonghwa responded thoughtfully, “Love can also feel like you’re being suffocated. Especially if it’s one sided. But don’t worry too much, Wooyoungie. Whatever is going on, everything will be okay.”

“It wasn’t about me, though, hyung…” Wooyoung said, embarrassed.

Seonghwa got up and ruffled Wooyoung’s hair. “Just remember what I said. We’re always here for you.”

And Seonghwa left.

Wooyoung stared at his phone for a few more seconds, rethinking the interaction with Seonghwa, and pulled the dot on his screen back to 1:26.

His heart felt like it was being suffocated. He pressed play.

And with the voice he heard, he felt freed.

  
  
  


**+3**

 

It was pretty hard to  _ not _ know something was up with Wooyoung and San. Although, when Yunho talked to San about it, San had told him he had no idea what was going on. He knew nothing, only that Wooyoung was avoiding him in one-on-one conversations and related. He’d only talk to him if two or more people were already in the conversation. 

The only thing Yunho knew is how much of a toll this was taking on San. They’d been so close, but suddenly, Wooyoung was acting as if he and San had never been. Like they’d just met, or like they’d just been acquainted. San tried to brush it off, but when Yunho would go into their shared room after watching a movie with a couple of the other members and would find San tucked completely under his covers with at least half of his plushies, a soft sob coming from his bed, he knew that he had to do something about it. This was unacceptable, San barely ever cried about anything recently. It made Yunho feel really bad to know the reason immediately.

“Sani,” Yunho said quietly. He heard a choke under the blanket and a lot of rustling before San pulled his head out from underneath his covers, face red and blotchy, and Yunho continued, “Sani, everything will be okay, alright? I promise you.”

San swallowed whatever sob he held in his throat and nodded.

“Do you need me to sleep in your bed with you tonight?” Yunho asked. San shook his head.

“I’ll be okay with Shiber. But thank you,” San said, voice small and quiet.

“Okay,” Yunho said, “Let me know if you need anything,” and San nodded in response. Yunho got himself ready for bed, and waited to hear the even noises of San sleeping across the room before he allowed himself to sleep.

The next morning, Yunho made sure to be the first one awake. He knew that he needed to talk to Wooyoung, and he didn’t know of a better time to fit it in the day since they had quite a few schedules in the day ahead. He opened the door to Wooyoung and Yeosang’s room slowly, finding Wooyoung passed out on his bed. He tapped his shoulder, the younger immediately jolting and shaking himself awake, eyes blurred before he made out Yunho’s figure staring down at him. He rubbed at his eyes, whispering a, “What time is it?” before letting his head fall back on the pillow.

Yunho sighed. “It’s six a.m.. I need to talk to you.”

Wooyoung gulped, “Okay?”

“Out in the living room.”

“Oh. Okay,” Wooyoung said, getting up slowly and stretching. Yunho walked out, and Wooyoung followed a moment later. 

There was immediately an awkward sort of air between them. Wooyoung took a deep breath as he sat down next to where Yunho had quickly sat.

“You realize that this is your fault, right?” Yunho said immediately. Wooyoung was immediately taken aback. Yunho was almost never this straightforward--usually, it was his roommate who was known for his assertive nature--but knew how to be blunt when something was going on. Within that second, Wooyoung knew what was going on.

“If this is about me and San, don’t worry too much, please,” Wooyoung said.

“Wooyoung, you don’t understand. San’s hurting over this. A lot.” Yunho said, the tone in his voice more serious than Wooyoung thinks he’s ever heard.

In fact, Wooyoung couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  _ San _ was hurting? 

“What do you mean, Yunho?” Wooyoung asked in disbelief.

Yunho sighed once again before continuing, “Every time I’ve gone into our room over the past week, Sani has either been knocked out with red tear tracks staining his face and hugging Shiber tighter than I’ve ever seen him before, or sobbing to himself under the covers with half of his plushies. We both know he doesn’t do that, Woo.”

Wooyoung immediately felt a punch in his stomach, panging with guilt. Was San really taking this to heart so much? Wooyoung looked away for a second, trying to find any words for any sort of excuse he could muster, but came up with nothing but one phrase, one he didn’t want to admit, one he didn’t want to say aloud. He looked back at Yunho, feeling exposed, like he was a deer in headlights, just been caught and facing his final moments.

“Do you have any sort of reason? Or excuse? He’s really taking this hard. I hate seeing him like that.” Yunho said. “Especially when something can be done about it.”

Wooyoung’s mouth was dry. 

“No. I don’t have an excuse.”

Yunho stared back at him. “Then… a reason…?”

Wooyoung stared down at his lap. He felt a stinging poke at his eyes, threatening tears to fall if he didn’t act quickly. Either fight or flight, and he didn’t know which to do.

Without much thought, Wooyoung whispered, “I think I’m in love with him.”

Yunho just stared at him, searching for any details. Wooyoung didn’t raise his head, continuing to stare at his lap, and the hands in them, making small movements.  _ Fight it is, _ he thought.

“Woo…” Yunho said, “That isn’t a reason to avoid him.”

“I know,” Wooyoung responded carefully, “I know, but when I talk to him I feel my heartbeat speed up, and when I look at him I get this weird feeling in my stomach, and when he smiles I feel like I’m going to die if I keep looking.” He could feel the tears starting to fall down his face, dripping down and falling into his lap. He wiped at them hard before continuing, “Sani makes me feel like I could be anywhere and be okay. But he makes me feel like I’m dying, too, and I don’t know what to do, because I like the feeling of it. I shouldn’t,” he said, gritting his teeth. “I shouldn’t.”

Yunho didn’t respond, only moved closer to hug Wooyoung tightly, which only caused Wooyoung’s tears to fall faster. His chest heaved and his hands shook in his lap as he let out choked sobs.

“Please don’t tell him,” Wooyoung said, “Please, please don’t tell him, I’ll do anything.”

Yunho sighed. “I won’t. But you can’t keep avoiding him, Wooyoung.”

“I know…” he responded, feeling his face grimace into a hard expression. He felt his nose clogging up.  _ Gross. _

Yunho let him go quickly and patted his back, telling him everything would be alright. That he would be alright, and that this was just a thing that he would be able to conquer. Whichever way he wants. “And, go shower. So no one knows you were crying,” Yunho said, and Wooyoung nodded. “Don’t worry, Woo. I promise you, I won’t tell San. But eventually, you’ll have to.”

“Thank you…”

“Of course. Now, go on.” Yunho responded. So Wooyoung did.

He entered the bathroom carefully, immediately ridding himself of his clothes to shower.

As soon as the water began running, hitting his back, he shook from the cold. It warmed up quickly, though, and he soon turned around and felt the hot water staining his cheeks as much as his tears had. God, it’d been so long since he cried like that. He felt disgusting about it.

What had San been doing to his heart?

_ And what had he been doing to San’s? _


	2. +4, +5, +6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yeosang, mingi, and jongho try to get to the bottom of the problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIG OOF i wrote most of this today. therefore it is unbeta'd so the TAG STILL HOLDS TRUE. NO BETA WE DIE LIKE MEN.  
> i hope you all enjoy this update TT there are a lot of tears so be warned  
> -  
> literally just listened to ariana grande's discography while writing this whole chapter lmao  
> -  
> also i see ateez in 19 days.w hat the fuck. what the fuck.  
> ok.  
> bye now!!

**+4**

 

Yeosang tried his best to stay silent when Yunho coaxed Wooyoung out of their room that morning. It was hard, he wanted to shift or move, but figured that would be very telling of his state. So he stayed silent, waiting for Wooyoung to leave the room.

Within minutes, he overheard almost everything. His heart hurt for his roommate, sighing to himself as he heard Wooyoung list off the things he felt for San, and suddenly, Yeosang found himself unknowing of what to do. They all knew something was up, but Yeosang never expected this to be it. He never expected that it’d be Wooyoung being in love with San.

He heard Wooyoung get up and go into the bathroom to start his shower, and decided, then and there, that he needed to talk to San. He didn’t know about what, exactly, but he knew that he should, and that he’d regret it if he didn’t. 

He got up carefully, cracking the door slightly more open so he could get out without being indicated. He heard Yunho rustling in the kitchen, so he didn’t feel any worry as he stepped carefully into his and San’s room. He held his breath.

“Sani,” Yeosang said quietly as he watched the redhead toss and turn in his bed a little. He saw San crack an eye open, the brightness of the room immediately making him shut it closed again. He yawned, rubbed his eyes for a moment, and sighed, patting his bed at a place that Yeosang could sit. Yeosang did, then continued, “we need to talk about Wooyoung.”

San looked at him a bit confused, and asked, “What is there to talk about?”

“So…” Yeosang started, a little intimidated to be talking about this. “Do you know anything about what’s going on with him? Why he’s been avoiding you?” San shook his head, pushing Yeosang to continue. He took a small breath, “Do you have any ideas?”

“I think I did something he didn’t like too many times,” San said carefully, “I think he got annoyed and needs a cool-down. But I don’t know what I did, so if I did do something wrong, I don’t know what I need to stop doing.”

Yeosang’s heart panged for San, knowing the real reason behind why Wooyoung was avoiding him didn’t help it at all. Yeosang just started nodding, small, and reached out to grab San’s fingers into his palm. The younger stared at him carefully, before he finally found words to respond. “I think Wooyoung just needs some time,” Yeosang said, swallowing the frog in his throat, “He’s seemed really stressed in general. He messes around with you most, so I think he’s just taking time for himself.”

San only nodded carefully in response, not bothering to push it. He felt really at defeat with Wooyoung at the moment, unknowing of anything he could’ve done for Wooyoung to treat him as if he didn’t exist. Even if Wooyoung did need time for himself, he wouldn’t act the way he did.

San felt as if Yeosang knew something more, but he didn’t press in fear of rejection.

“Yeo, can I tell you something?” San said. He felt like his tongue swelled, almost as if it was telling him  _ no, stop talking, it’s not worth it. _

Yeosang nodded, “Of course, Sani.” For some reason, Yeosang could suddenly feel his blood pumping through his veins.

“I… before you hate me, I want to establish how much I hate that I feel like this…” San starts, and takes a sharp breath, “I really, really wish I didn’t. I hate it so much.”

“I could never hate you, Sani, don’t worry about that. I promise you, whatever it is.”

He inhaled carefully, staring at his fingers held in Yeosang’s hand. His mind was a battlefield, and he had to make a decision right now: would he hold off and leave Yeosang hanging? Not let him into his mind a bit more? Or would it just be easier to get it out?

“I…” San started, feeling choked up in a second’s time, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Yeosang, I’m sorry,” he sobbed, and Yeosang leaned forward to hold and comfort the boy, who now felt small in his arms, “I’m sorry, I miss Wooyoung, I miss him so much,” he continued, “I hate that I feel like this, I miss him m-more than I should,” he choked, “and I hate that I’m in love with him, I hate it so much.”

San continued to weep quietly in Yeosang’s arms, and suddenly, Yeosang pieced it all together. These  _ idiots. _

Despite knowing the truth, he knew well that it was not his place to interfere more than he had. Yeosang stayed quiet, stroking San’s head which was buried in the older’s chest. San’s hands gripped Yeosang’s shirt tightly, sobs rocking through his body as he tried to regain any sense of composure.

It took a few seconds before San felt like he was able to breathe, yet he continued apologizing. Yeosang shook his head.

“Sani, there is no reason for you to be apologizing. It’s completely normal to feel things like this, you’re not lesser just because you really like a boy.” Yeosang said, “You are completely valid in your feelings, please don’t feel like this is a bad thing. We all will always love you, no matter what.”

San took a deep breath, clearly trying to restrain himself from a sobbing mess once again. “I don’t deserve you, any of you,” he sighed, pulling Yeosang into a tight hug.

Yeosang hugged him back, “Sani, don’t say that. You deserve everything. I’m sorry that you feel like this, but everything will be alright.” He petted the back of San’s head, letting San catch his breath.

“Thank you, Yeo…” San sighed, pulling away from the older’s grasp and laying back down on his bed. “I just want to sleep.”

“Okay, but Yunho is making breakfast,” Yeosang said, getting up slowly, “So he’ll probably be getting you up soon. I hope that you feel better, Sani.”

Yeosang ruffled San’s hair before he exited the room quietly, as to not alert Yunho of his whereabouts, yet still found Yunho peek around the corner of the hallway and spot him square in front of the door.

“You coming?” Yunho said, not bothering to ask any more questions. Yeosang nodded.

“Don’t wake up San for a bit. He needs some time,” Yeosang said, approaching him. Yunho looked at him for a moment, but didn’t push it. He only stared back at Yeosang with a sense of understanding.

It seemed they both knew what was going on.

Wooyoung exited the bathroom after finishing his shower, and the two turned to him immediately. He dried his hair more with a towel, staring down the hall a bit at them.

“Is everything okay?” He asked carefully, as if he was nervous.

“Yeah, everything is fine,” Yunho responded, “Get dressed and come get breakfast.”

Wooyoung nodded. Yeah. Breakfast.

 

**+5**

 

The tension between San and Wooyoung was something that really didn’t make much sense to Mingi. Mingi had only noticed that the two started drifting apart due to Hongjoong mentioning it once in a rant conversation. Since that, he paid more attention, and clearly did see that there was something unresolved between the two. Its reason was so unclear, Mingi, naturally, being the member closest in age to both of them, took it into his own hands to figure it out. 

Mingi had asked both San and Wooyoung to come to a composition room after practice one night. Both at different times, of course, so they wouldn’t know that the other was coming. Because Mingi was a master at plans.

Unfortunately for Mingi, what he didn’t plan was what he would say to either of them. San arrived first of the two, joining Mingi with the intent of helping him brainstorm ideas for one of his new raps. That wasn’t unrealistic of Mingi—he liked his members’ opinions, and everyone’s brains contain different ideas, so he liked to throw some around once in a while—and after about twenty minutes with San, he heard a knock on the door. Mingi got up quickly, as to block the window so Wooyoung wouldn’t see San and San wouldn’t see Wooyoung, and allowed the younger in.

The second he looked up, he wanted to bolt.

“No, nuh-uh, no, Wooyoung,” Mingi said quickly, closing the door and bracing his body in front of the handle, “You’re not leaving, we’re talking about this.”

Wooyoung sighed. “Come on, Mingi, let me out. I don’t want to be here.”

“And you think that the rest of us want to deal with whatever unresolved drama you two have? Do you think that I genuinely want to? I just want you guys to be okay.” Mingi responded. He glanced over to San, who was faced away from the two of them, staring at Mingi’s notebook with a pencil in his hand.

“We’re fine,” Wooyoung said carefully, “There’s no drama to be resolved.”

“He’s right,” San chimed in quietly.

Mingi stared hard at Wooyoung. The younger’s lip quivered a bit from nerves, and Mingi turned to lock the door with the only inside key they had.

“Mingi, seriously?” Wooyoung said. He rolled his eyes, a bit annoyed, but more aloof than anything.

“Yes, seriously, I don’t care what you guys say, we all know that something is up between the two of you. This is being solved, tonight.” Mingi said in a voice of authority.

Wooyoung accepted defeat -- he sighed, putting his practice bag and coat down on a couch near him, plopping down next to his items.

San still sat, staring at Mingi’s book.

“Hello?” Wooyoung said, a bit of a grudge-like tone attached to his voice. 

San turned to give him a quick glance before responding with a small, “Hi, Wooyoung.”

Mingi stared between the two of them. This was horrendous. They were acting like complete strangers, not like they were the close friends he knew them to be. He decided to take initiative. “Wooyoung, why have you been avoiding San?”

Wooyoung looked up at the ceiling carefully, counting the panels and lights while desperately thinking of an out of this. “I haven’t,” he said, immediately regretting his words, “I’ve just been minding my own business,” he excused, a sour taste left behind in his mouth.

“And  _ ‘minding your own business’ _ means not talking to San at all?” Mingi asked.

“I talk to San,” Wooyoung retorted.

“Yeah, you talk with groups San just happens to be already in conversation with. All of us notice this.” Mingi said. “San notices, especially.”

“Mingi, I really don’t want to talk about this,” Wooyoung said, and he could hear San sharply inhale across the room.

“Wooyoung,  _ I don’t care _ ,” he said, “I’m sure San doesn’t want to either, yet here both of you are. Give me—give us—a reason why you’ve been avoiding San. A valid one. Please.”

Wooyoung swallowed the saliva that gathered in his mouth from the nerves. He felt his palms get sweaty, and he stared at the back of San’s head. He was still faced away—thank god, honestly, because Wooyoung was sure that if he was facing him, there was no way he’d be able to keep any composure—and Wooyoung could see his backside, breathing heavily, as if he was crying. God, Wooyoung hated the thought of San crying because of him. He hated it  _ so  _ much, so much more than he hated the feeling of having to hide all of this shit…

But he continued to.

“There’s no reason,” Wooyoung said, taking a second to lick his dried lips, “There’s no reason why I’ve been avoiding him.”

“Stop doing it, then, Wooyoung,” Mingi said, and didn’t push it further.

Honestly, he was incredibly grateful Mingi didn’t push it further. If he did, he would’ve cracked. He didn’t want to crack. San didn’t feel the same way that Wooyoung felt about him. He was his best friend. There was no way.

“I’m sorry,” San suddenly said. His voice cracked from a broken sob. Wooyoung felt like he’d been punched in the gut, “I’m sorry, I don’t know wh—at I did, but I’m pretty su—re you hate me, I wish I knew the r—eason, I’m sorry,” he sobbed.

Wooyoung felt so hurt, that he’d caused this hurting to San, his Sani, the boy who he loved more than anything.

And if it were not for his unspoken words, Wooyoung would’ve gone over to comfort San. He would’ve pressed love-filled kisses to his tear-stained face, held him tightly in his arms so that he felt at home, whispered sweet nothings into his ear until he stopped crying.

But, because the unspoken words had not been spoken, he refrained.

“Can I go, Mingi?” he asked, his voice a bit weakened.

Mingi swallowed, and nodded. He got up to unlock the door, and Wooyoung left within the minute, leaving a sobbing San and an even more confused Mingi behind.

The walk out of the room felt the most challenging. He had to refuse, he refused to give in. There was no way he would do those things, likely ever.

Wooyoung’s walk back to the dorm was filled with cold air, red cheeks, and tears pricking his eyes.

And the second he walked into his and Yeosang’s room, he collapsed on his bed and sobbed. _ Fuck. _

  
  


**+6**

 

Honestly speaking, Jongho had no idea what made him get this invested in the problems between San and Wooyoung. But over time, he’d seen them grow apart. It kind of threw him off, considering he’d only known them to be close. However, more and more recently, the members had been interfering. Jongho knew this—he knew basically everything, everyone will spill for him—and he knew some of the details. Mingi was the first to let him know of the happenings after the night that he cornered them for answers (making sure he was aware that Wooyoung didn’t work for a resolution), and after that he went to each of his hyungs that weren’t San or Wooyoung to see if he could get more answers.

When Jongho had asked Yeosang and Yunho, the two had basically denied any knowledge of the situation, which Jongho found immensely strange considering the two were roommates with the members in question. After questioning in private, he was able to get out of Yunho that Wooyoung was in the middle of a life crisis, and out of Yeosang that San just wanted things to go back to normal. Another thing he found immensely strange was how the two of them knew more about the other’s roommate. Hm.

Hongjoong had told him that he tried to talk to San and Wooyoung seperately about this before, but hadn’t gotten any answers. Seonghwa gave a similar response, as well.

So, Jongho found himself with two options: Get to the bottom of what was happening between the two, or ignore it completely.

He was already this invested, though, wasn’t he?  
So he went to Wooyoung first. Wooyoung, who he trusted with a lot of his own secrets, would likely be most willing to have a real conversation about it with him. He trusted that Wooyoung would trust him the same way, being the youngest members gave them a sort of different kind of friendship. So, Jongho confronted him at practice, when they were on a little break time. Wooyoung was sat with his wall against the mirror of the practice room, staring at the center of the room, clearly ‘in-the-zone’ with what he was thinking about. Jongho thought he caught a bit of HALA HALA being sung under the older member’s breath before he suddenly looked up at Jongho. He smiled a bit and patted the space next to him on the ground, and Jongho took the seat.

“How’s today doing for you, Jongho?” Wooyoung asked thoughtfully. 

Jongho nodded, “Good. You, hyung?”

“It’s good. I was thinking about trying different endings for HALA HALA,” Wooyoung said. Jongho decided, it was now or never to figure out what was going on.

“That’d be cool,” he said, before carefully continuing, “San-hyung’s part is always really cool. His expressions have gotten scary lately. Have you tried asking him for advice?”

Wooyoung immediately tensed the second Jongho mentioned San’s name. Interesting. “No, I probably should though, shouldn’t I?” he laughed a bit, voice strained.

“Yeah, he’s gotten a lot of good feedback with his presence. You could do just as well, maybe even better.” Jongho responded. He was trying to see what it was—a rivalry? possibly friendly? possibly competitive? or just something else all together?—and see if Wooyoung would respond strangely.

“No, no one could do better than San. Especially me,” Wooyoung said. “San is so cool. Like, in general.” Jongho felt like he was getting somewhere.

“He’s dorky in general, though, hyung,” he said.

“Yeah, but it’s like...he’s cute,” Wooyoung said. Suddenly, Jongho knew exactly what this was. “He’s cool, and he’s cute. It can be overwhelming.” Wooyoung was now staring across the room at San. Jongho felt like he was seeing something he shouldn’t be. He pursed his lips.

“Do you like San-hyung?” Jongho asked shamelessly. Wooyoung immediately whipped his head to face Jongho, his terrified expression extremely telling. Jongho couldn’t help but laugh a bit, “Don’t worry hyung, if you do, I won’t tell him, It’s not my business to.”

“God, please don’t, Jongie, please,” Wooyoung said, “I feel like I’m hanging by a thread. So many people have found out now, and I really, _ really _ don’t want him to know. He definitely doesn’t feel the same way. I know it. I know it in my gut.”

Jongho just stared at him in disbelief. There’s no way that San _ didn’t  _ feel the same way about Wooyoung. Especially since he knew what Mingi told him about that night.

What Mingi told him was more than Wooyoung leaving the issue unresolved. He told Jongho of San, who was left crying his eyes out that night, for a reason unbeknownst to Mingi. If Mingi tried to resolve what was going on, they would’ve gotten over themselves, they’d be talking again, they’d be acting as normal again. But he had, and there they still were, not even willing to make eye contact with one another.

“San wouldn’t feel the same way.” Wooyoung said again, more like he was telling himself that than saying it to Jongho.

“You’re so, so dumb, Wooyoung-hyung.”

Wooyoung just stared at him, dumbfounded.

“Tell him.” Jongho said, “This has gone on long enough, if you don’t tell him, nothing good will come from it. Just tell him.”

Wooyoung swallowed and nodded, knowing that Jongho was right. Of course he was, he always had the most sense. “I’m just… I’m nervous, Jongie. He’s not going to feel the same way.”

Jongho sighed, “I don’t want to tell you that that’s a lie you’re just telling yourself, because I don’t know how San feels, but what I do know is that both of you are suffering right now over this. Do you want to keep doing that?”

“Alright everyone, back to practice!” Hongjoong called from across the room. Jongho started to get up, and stared back down at Wooyoung.

“You need to tell him.” Wooyoung knew the younger was right. He had to.

And as they practiced for the following hour and a half, Wooyoung had never felt more on-edge. He knew he had to tell San. He knew. He didn’t know how, though. He watched the older, magnificently, cooly completing his parts, doing the dance moves in a style much more fluid than anyone he’d ever seen. Even himself.

San was just so cool, so lovable, so pretty, so kind-hearted, so fantastic, so eye-catching, and, if Wooyoung was honest, the best person he’d ever met.

He didn’t want to ruin anything.

How would he even begin to tell him?


	3. fin.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _you're always on my mind_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHO'S READY FOR EP.FIN ALL TO ACTION I SURE AMMMMMMM
> 
> barely beta'd oops

**+7**

 

San was tired.

He was tired of the way Wooyoung was acting, desperately pretending that he wasn’t treating San differently than he did in the past. San thought he knew -- he thought that Wooyoung knew what he felt for him -- and that he was treating him differently because of it. That Wooyoung didn’t share his feelings, and was avoiding him for the purpose of avoiding any furthering of their relationship.

It made sense. Wooyoung would be comfortable with just a friendship. San felt dumb for ever thinking there could be anything more between them. It’s not like Wooyoung ever indicated that he did, it’s just that San thought that that would be their next step. San liked Wooyoung a lot. He liked him from the moment they met, the day Wooyoung shyly introduced himself to him, a soft smile tugging on the corner of his lips as San happily greeted him.

Now they’d debuted together. They’d grown much closer than anticipated, to the point of calling each other their best friend.

It was good. It was comfortable.

Why would Wooyoung want to date him? Why would Wooyoung want anything from him outside of being best friends? Like, honestly speaking, why would Wooyoung have any attraction to him? _It’s not like I’m that handsome._

It wasn’t like they kissed before… purposefully. _It was an accident, it was one time, and it was a while ago now,_ San would tell himself. _No way he’d remember that._ Now, San laid underneath his covers, taking a deep breath and pulling a couple of his plushies closer to his body when he suddenly heard a knock at his door.

If it were Yunho, he wouldn’t bother knocking. It had to be someone else.

“Come in,” San mumbled, just loud enough to be heard through the door. He didn’t bother opening his eyes, instead opting to stay comfortably cuddled under his blankets.

He felt the bunk under his dip, a slight creak emitted from the metal frame. He cracked one eye open, knowing whoever entered the room was now just sat on Yunho’s bunk.

“San,” he heard the voice of Wooyoung, “Can I please talk to you?”

Suddenly, San felt too uncomfortable. He felt his skin rage a fiery heat, he felt his breathing slow, and he felt too aware. He listened intently for any other words, before realizing he had yet to respond.

“Yeah,” he croaked, and he heard the bed under his shift. The weight was lifted, so he pushed himself up from under the covers to try and look at Wooyoung. He was met with the younger staring up at him, and he felt that was all too weird, so San sat up and invited Wooyoung to come up too. The younger obliged.

Wooyoung climbed up to San’s bunk carefully, and sat himself down next to him. He didn’t dare look him in the face, let alone in the eye. And there they sat, an awkwardly long silence having ensued between them. It was a couple of minutes before Wooyoung even made a sound indicating he wanted to talk.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and San immediately turned to look up at him. Wooyoung was still staring at his lap, fiddling with his fingers.

“For what?” San said, no bite in his question. He genuinely wanted to know why Wooyoung was apologizing. He figured he knew why but wanted to know if his thoughts were accurate.

“For avoiding you, as a start?” Wooyoung said, and immediately continued, “For ignoring you, for pretending you’re not around, for leaving you in the dark, for making you wonder if you did something wrong. You didn’t. It was all me.”

San gulped. “Then…?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong... In fact, you did so much _right_ , I just felt so overwhelmed. I had to pull myself away from you for a bit, because every time you’d smile at me, my stomach would flip... Every time you laughed at something stupid I did, I felt like I’d never want to listen to anything else. Every time I’d watch you dance, I felt my skin heat up. I was just so fucking amazed, San,” Wooyoung said, before taking a quick breath, letting, “and… I was extremely confused,” fall from his lips quietly.

San’s jaw had dropped slightly as Wooyoung explained everything. He’d never expected _this_ , of everything he could’ve done. Could’ve said. “You’re confused?” San responded carefully.

“I’m confused because I’ve never felt this way about you before, not since we’ve met… I don’t know what you’ve been doing to me, Choi San, but it’s working…” Wooyoung trailed off, a small moment of silence filling the air, before he continued, mumbled: “and I like it a lot.”

Gooseflesh rippled across San’s skin, taking in the details of Wooyoung’s confession. Did Wooyoung like him back? _For real?_

“I don’t expect a response,” Wooyoung said carefully, “I least of all expect you to reciprocate my feelings… but I like you, Choi San. I like you so much.”

San suddenly couldn’t breathe. “You… you like me?”

“I mean… I just said that. But I also said I understand if you don’t like me.”

The statement elicited a laugh from San. “Don’t like you? You’re crazy, right? Wooyoung…” San sighed carefully, “I like you incredibly much…”

Wooyoung’s eyes widened, his mouth opening in an o-shape. _Cute,_ San thought.

“So are you my boyfriend now?” Wooyoung asked excitably.  San just smiled softly.

“If you want that…”

Wooyoung straightened his face. “Choi San, I want you to be my boyfriend very much.”

San’s heart soared. “Okay. I’ll be your boyfriend.”

Without a second thought, Wooyoung leaned forward to capture San’s lips with his. Suddenly, he felt incredibly fulfilled, like this was what he needed all along. San sighed against Wooyoung’s lips, smiled softly, and reciprocated.

Wooyoung moved his hand to hold San’s jawline carefully, almost as if he touched him any more he’d break him. San leaned back, Wooyoung following and ending up carefully above him. San grunted slightly when Wooyoung pressed his leg between his carefully, sighing San’s name.

“I think about you so much,” Wooyoung said carefully when he pulled away, “you’re always on my mind…”

The confession came as a surprise to San, who brought his hands up to cup Wooyoung’s face lovingly.

“I don’t go a minute without you crossing my mind…” San said.

So Wooyoung leaned back up for another kiss. “Let me be all that’s on your mind.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry it took so long T_T i've been so busy lately, school, work, traveling, and i finally got the time to finish this after rewriting it like 10 times T_T i hope this was a satisfactory ending, i might possibly write a smut sequel but we can consider my other fic [fall deeper (into you)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18741256) a smut sequel so owo enjoy!

**Author's Note:**

> keep an eye out for updates, they'll come very soon, i promise <3  
> let me know if you enjoyed by [hitting me up on twitter!](http://twitter.com/atinyple)


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